when i was a kid,i hated my life...
i tot of dying...most of the time....
i tot of cutting my wrist...
i tot of being knock by the car....
yes...i stood in the middle of the road often when nobody was watching me...i guess no 1 would ever notice that...coz nobody really care....
i hate being at home..i hate all the beatings i get for someting i din do...i hate all the scolding i got for someting other ppl did...
yet i have to pretend that i was the happiest kid in the block...i guess this is how i acquired my acting skill....even if when my teacher asked me where did i got my scar from..i would tell her dat i fell...even if i got beaten,i still love her...
i have to wash my own school shoes when i was in standard 1...i have to finish all the housechores when i was in stdrd 2...or else i would be beaten...nobody really care if i gt beaten til i bleed...my dad dont...my mum dont...nodody do...i hated my life so much dat i wanted to die so dat i wouldnt need to endure all the pain...
yet...i hate myself for not being brave enough...i guess i wasnt the intelligent one when i was young...i was not even the pretty 1...all i was is the sick 1...
things did improve a lil when she went out to study....i became the 1 in-charge...i get less beating...yet i dun like my life at that point either...
i gotta make sure everything is in control...i was suppose to take care of 3 kids at home...when i was jz 12 or 13...me myself nid ppl to take care of me...did any1 realize i was just a kid at that point....yet i gotta act all grown-up...everyday i have to do d chores n take care of them...they were the lucky 1...cz i was the 1 dat got all the scolding when they did anything wrong...when the house wasnt clean,...when the dishes isnt done,....
stuff was even worse when my granma pass away,...she was the oni 1 dat i could get some love from....she was everytng to me at that part of my life....i broke down when she passed away...why do ppl dat i love had to leave me??
but i guess there was ntg i cud do...but her absence change a big part of my life...i began to at least stdy a lil...n surprisingly,my rsults improved alot...i even began to be top 3 in my school every year...my dad began to look at me alil...from being oni the nanny of the house,i guess i upgraded my status a lil...or maybe more...
i get straight A's in my PMr...n then my dad force me to get into mrSm...mrsM change a large part of my life,...at least,i dun have to worry about other ppl besides myself...i dun have to worry abt any housechores besides my own laundry...
yet,i was reluctant to go in...but my dad's order is like the king's command...i could do ntg to change it...
however,i was glad dat i did...eventhough f4 was not a fairytale,but later on,it became 1 of the lil happy memories i had in my life...i changed the most in this 2 years of my life....from my physique,my habit, my lifestyle, my thinking etc....i began to think that maybe my home is the best place...i surprised myself cz i actually miss dat home dat i hated in my childhood...life is so ironic, aint it??being in mrsm for 2 years actually make me realize that my family actually cares for me actually...i became closer to my eldest sister...at least,she would show up drg weekends when i was sick...or when i was alone...she would call me to wake me up drg exm week...she would even show up when i suddenly call her...she even send me a card b4 the spm trial...at that period of my life,i was glad dat some1 cared abt me...
...to be cont...
