~past tense~

...jz a moment ago my lil sis was complaining of her uniform...
...apparently she ACCIDENTALLY ter-BURN a hole on her uniform...
...now she wanna buy a new shirt n complaining dat my mum lupa beli it...
...listening to her complaints reminded me of lotsa stuff...
...i used to ter-burn a hole on my pinafore b4 but i nvr hav the guts to ask my mum to buy me a new 1...myb cz it's my own fault...nobody shud b responsible 4 another prson's fault...
...or maybe i'm jz guilty...
...i oways think my lil sis n bros r so so lucky...
...at least,i'm d 1 dat ll tanggung their kesalahan since im lil...
...i nvr understand y...until i grew up...
...it's SIMPLY cz my dad trust me to take care of d kiddos...
*ya..i'm in-charge of them since my lil bros were born...hmm...like...since 15 yrs ago...*

*NO....I'M NOT COMPLAINING...*

...jz dat i think they shud at least realize the fact dat they're really lucky...
...at least they xpnh wear school shoes with crocodile mouth b4...

..when i was a child, i'm oways jealous of my frens...
...thinking dat they're a lot luckier than me...
...i dun own a purrfect childhood...
...i'm nver a happy kid...
....but....

...i hope i'm a happier person now...

*perhaps im trying a lil too hard*

...signing off...
...love always...

worSt daY of my liFe??or maYbe noT...

...i feeL s0 terRible tday...
...eaRly morNing adY keNa maRah drg wRdr0und...
...dr.n**** actly asked me whether i nid a invitation card to present my case...
...i wasnt prepared...
...s0 kenA marAh bY dr L** **...
...mY baD...

...nExt...
...weNt to laBor rum...
..feW paTients OnlY...
...d nW HO is s0 irriTatinG...
...0r maYbe i waS t0 irriTable d2 the mOrning r0unDs...
...hmmm...

...tHen...
...tuTorial...
...iT wasnT producTive to0...
...a Lot of Ppl waS talkinG...
...cNt conC...

...afTer thaT...
...mE n jIa YinG ruShed to uNit rekoD...
..to0k sum picS of d InadEquate inFo...

...ruShed bACk to LabOur r00m...
...wenT to 1 oF the rumS...
...suDDnlY aLL d miDwives haLAu me n jiayINg ouT...
...guess whY??...
...IUD...
...iTs so sad...
..feel so glo0my n d0wn sdnly...
...n thEn i gt t0 knw theRe's an0ther deaTh b4 tis...myb drg ouR lectUre kowt...
...wat'S wrOng wiTh 2daY??..

...n tHen...
..weN i fiNally gt mYself togetHer n takIng carE of my pt...
...my pt pulaK bcuM restless d2 paIn...
...d epiduRal tak jaLan la..tis n taT...
..i waS s0 scAred aT dat tIme...
...cZ d miDwive-in-chaRged wasNt theRe at tat tIme...

...i feLt so uSeleSs...
...i feLt so vulNerable...
...i felT so infeRior...
...i feLt so stUpid...
...i feLt so lOst...

gTn-oh-gtN

guEss wat??
..mY daD juST shOw me daT he'S taKing suBlinGual GTN...
...haiZ...
...iT nOt oNly adD hiS buRden bUt it ALso aDd sTress tO mE...

...coz it meANs...
...daMn...i reaLLy goNna woRk haRder aS he CanT taKe muCh sTress anYmorE...

..spEciaLLy deDicatEd tO u..

...u sAid daT nO oNe unDerstaNds u...

...i meAn iM nOt pIcKing sidE...

...i uNderStanD ur circUmstANces...
...bUt u sHud asO unDersTand oTheR ppL's thOughtS asO...
...i mEan diFFereNt peOple haVe diFFereNt prIority...
...d0n'T u gEt it??...
...d ThinGs i SaId iS nOt tO hUrt u oR to SHoW daT wHo's wRoNg & wHo's riGHt...
...iS daT i ThInk daT i sHud tEll u daT...
...sOmetiMes tO dO soMetHng,thEre's maNy waY oF aPProaChing...

...iF i dUn caRe,i wUd jUst shUt my daMn mOuth...
...bUt iF u wAnna InterPreT iT daT waY,i cOulD do ANytHinG...

...dO waTevA u wAnTla...

p.s.::i LovE u...

=.='''

..aiyakk....damn...im supposed to wake up early to stdy today...hahaha....in d end wake up at 10.30am....hopeless la me...haiz...wen do i learn to not procrastinate n do wat im supposed to do??
*slap*

.............................................

People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is..
Can you handle mine?

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care that's my perogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn getting boys is how I am

Some ask me questions
Why am I so real?
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal about my sister
Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago before I won this fight

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live? (tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (oh)
That's my perogative
That's my perogative

It's my perogative
Its the way that I wanna live
It's my prerogative
You can't tell me what to do

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not soped!
Ego trips is not my thing
Fuck all these strange relationships
It really gets me down
See nothing wrong with spreading myself around

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live? (tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (oh)
That's my perogative
That's my perogative

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live? (tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (oh)
That's my prerogative
That's my prerogative

Its the way that I wanna live
It's my prerogative
But you can't tell me what to do

Why can't I live my life?
Without all of the things that people say
Ohhhhh

Oh

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live? (tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (oh)
That's my prerogative

(They Say I'm crazy) Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live? (tell me why)
(they say I'm nasty)I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (oh)
That's my prerogative (ahhh)

It's my prerogative

2nd week in Internal Med

my 2nd week had just passed..it had been a slow 1...feel rather guilty really...din really had any input at all...been sleeping most of the days as i think i needed good sleep...my heart ady "merajuk" and tis terrifies me...shall try to have good rest no matter what...

as the weeks go by,im starting to think am i suitable to become a good doctor??i cant stand to see my patients in pain and tis put pain in my heart..many of my frens would have a thought in their mind that they dont wanna be a patient in future but...im thinking dat..y wud i nid to b the 1 dat instill pain in these ppl...ya...i noe...tat doc do this for the sake of the sick...but why must i be the 1 dat see this kinda suffering??

me?

Black Humor

~wrote this in the library~

I feel horrible and terrible right now...i felt like a TOTAL loser...haizz...I SUCKED big time....

AND the BEST part and the FUNNIEST is......that when i went thru my contact list, I realize that i have no one to talk to...

AM I TOO GREEDY??

wat I want is ONLY a listener, a person to depend on or rather...a c0mpany...i need not more than this...

my life is DAMN GREAT n WONDERFUL...I felt so weak and helpless now...i Dont wanna appear weak and vulnerable...God,help me...I duno what should I do...or rather...what my facial expression should be and what should i do now.....

Clinical is c0ming...damnit...

my holiday is coming to an end soon...

-sad-

din do anything beneficial this holiday...like usual...
hmmm....feel kinda guilty actly...coz there'll be a formative during our orientation...{n i HATE orientation}...OYA....n the thought of dat stupid PPD camp aso make me depressed...

-bertambah sad-

feel so clueless abt clinical...gonna hav panic attack soon...but the more i scared...the more i dun wanna study...darnn....HOW BAD IS THAT??

-another reason to be SUPER sad-

insomnia??

DAMNIT!!!!

Hw can any1 possibly have insomnia drg her holiday??
hmmm...can any1 tell me wat's wrong with me????

~~sob sob sob~~

I wanna sleep la...any idea on hw to treat insomnia??
p.s:i dun wan any pharm-related solutions...hahaha....

fine~~
i din really baring there, thinking abt sheeps...
instead,im thinking abt something i shud hav forgotten long long tyme ago~~
sad~~~sad~~sad~~

Happy Day..

YAY!!
After going for follow-up for so many years,finally,it's coming to an end and i don't have to go for any follow-ups anymore...AND i don't even need to take antibiotics for prophylaxis anymore..double-yay!!!hahaha....so happy o...^^

=speechless=

sharon tan arr~~~

c0me on,dear....plz wake up now....plzz...plzzz...plzzzz...
haizzz....how can u leave dat damn essay empty???....
haizz...i aso dunno wat to do with d...
the rest aso wrong3...sumore gt empty geh...

ok2...u can pack ur notes with u to read it drg holidayzz d....'YAY'!!
im so damn fucking "PRoUD" wit u....

I'm so dead...

opppsiiee...

it's wed d,baru stdy 4 lecture notes 4 GIT...
im lik "OH-MY-GOD"-ing nw...
somebody HELP me...

maybe Dr.Swaminathan was right after all-
"if God is everywhere,then y din He help me?"

Im so so so dead nw..

haizz....it's coming!!!

it's coming AGAIN!!!
i'm scared,terrified n worried...
can he plz go away???
i felt so helpless nw...

iM dying..

Im suff0cating...

Am I trying to0 hard?? My fren once told me dat the more a person wanna change herself and pushes herself too much,in the end her thoughts would take control of her mind and the reverse effects is gonna happen...is this happening to me??

Im trying very3 hard to change.I wanna change-I NEED to change...I don't wanna live a life with no meaning.I don't wanna be some1 dat ll ruin other ppl's life.Hence, changes is a MUST...

SomebOdy plz help me...Im dying inside..I feel so sad and depressed..Im beginning to hate myself..coz i cant even do something so simple..WHY canT i change my laziness??y musT i proscratinate?God,if you're there,y din u teach me wat to do??

I wanna cry out loud..I wanna lie on somebody's shoulder and cry it ALL out..BUT, im afraid to show ppl the real me..I don't wana be vulnerable..I wanna be strong..I need to be strong...coz i know my daddy put a lot of hope and expectation on me..But, i wanna tell him dat his hope is killing me and strangling me slowly...I cant breathe...but,at the same time,i dont wanna let you down...this is wat u want rite??

Yesterday,somebody asked me-"when are you going to live for yourself and not for anybody else??"..His words really caught me speechless...I don't know what to answer...coz even me dunno when am i gonna stop living for some other ppl...

i NEED to change..

After so many years,i finally think i need a change badly and hoping a new hairstyle would help..would it???

In the lift...

As i walked into the lift, a couple of kids enter the lift with their dad...The dad asked the eldest boy who was pressing the buttons to wait for awhile...A few seconds later, an old lady entered the lift with a 'tongkat'...a little boy was walking beside her...

That old lady thanked the man for waiting for them and she complained to him that kids nowadays are so naughty and mischievous.She can't hit him anymore as he is older now n he's not scared of her beating anymore...the man just smiled and nod his head..

After he reached his floor and went out of the lift,the old lady began to scold the little kid but he just ignored her..As the lift is approaching my floor,i can hear dat she told the boy that she's not gonna 'mandikan' him...haha...

But,as i stepped out the lift,i felt sad and was so jealous of the small boy as he still have his grandma to care for him,scold him and bathe him...i tried to hold back pearls of my tears as i walked back to my apartment...i missed my grandma so much and this scene will never happen in my life ever again as she had passed away when i was in form 1...

she is one of the most important women in my life...i loved her so much and i would never stop loving her til my last breathe..everything that reminds me of her would surely bring tears to my face...

i often wished that she was here with me, to accompany me to face this life,to remind me when i did wrong and to let me lie on her lap when i feel sad...

I did not even have the chance to tell her that i love her dearly and that she is the reason why im the person i am today...n most of all,I wanted to ask you-ARE YOU PROUD OF ME ??

i'll loved you til my last breathe...