end...

...many things had happen recently...

...suddenly felt dat im all alone now...

m i really a bad person?

...maybe..
...perhaps...
...probably...

...fine...

i am

i oways expected u to understand me...
but, now i realized that...
in the end of the day,u oni think every thng in ur point of view...
i guess me to0 am like u...
ya,so,lets be it...


~the end~

Gr0wing up: i was never the brite kid....n maybe i ll nver be 1...

i guess all my life... to this moment,i was always a freak...

when i was a kid,i hated my life...

i tot of dying...most of the time....

i tot of cutting my wrist...

i tot of being knock by the car....

yes...i stood in the middle of the road often when nobody was watching me...i guess no 1 would ever notice that...coz nobody really care....

i hate being at home..i hate all the beatings i get for someting i din do...i hate all the scolding i got for someting other ppl did...

yet i have to pretend that i was the happiest kid in the block...i guess this is how i acquired my acting skill....even if when my teacher asked me where did i got my scar from..i would tell her dat i fell...even if i got beaten,i still love her...

i have to wash my own school shoes when i was in standard 1...i have to finish all the housechores when i was in stdrd 2...or else i would be beaten...nobody really care if i gt beaten til i bleed...my dad dont...my mum dont...nodody do...i hated my life so much dat i wanted to die so dat i wouldnt need to endure all the pain...

yet...i hate myself for not being brave enough...i guess i wasnt the intelligent one when i was young...i was not even the pretty 1...all i was is the sick 1...

things did improve a lil when she went out to study....i became the 1 in-charge...i get less beating...yet i dun like my life at that point either...

i gotta make sure everything is in control...i was suppose to take care of 3 kids at home...when i was jz 12 or 13...me myself nid ppl to take care of me...did any1 realize i was just a kid at that point....yet i gotta act all grown-up...everyday i have to do d chores n take care of them...they were the lucky 1...cz i was the 1 dat got all the scolding when they did anything wrong...when the house wasnt clean,...when the dishes isnt done,....

stuff was even worse when my granma pass away,...she was the oni 1 dat i could get some love from....she was everytng to me at that part of my life....i broke down when she passed away...why do ppl dat i love had to leave me??

but i guess there was ntg i cud do...but her absence change a big part of my life...i began to at least stdy a lil...n surprisingly,my rsults improved alot...i even began to be top 3 in my school every year...my dad began to look at me alil...from being oni the nanny of the house,i guess i upgraded my status a lil...or maybe more...

i get straight A's in my PMr...n then my dad force me to get into mrSm...mrsM change a large part of my life,...at least,i dun have to worry about other ppl besides myself...i dun have to worry abt any housechores besides my own laundry...

yet,i was reluctant to go in...but my dad's order is like the king's command...i could do ntg to change it...

however,i was glad dat i did...eventhough f4 was not a fairytale,but later on,it became 1 of the lil happy memories i had in my life...i changed the most in this 2 years of my life....from my physique,my habit, my lifestyle, my thinking etc....i began to think that maybe my home is the best place...i surprised myself cz i actually miss dat home dat i hated in my childhood...life is so ironic, aint it??being in mrsm for 2 years actually make me realize that my family actually cares for me actually...i became closer to my eldest sister...at least,she would show up drg weekends when i was sick...or when i was alone...she would call me to wake me up drg exm week...she would even show up when i suddenly call her...she even send me a card b4 the spm trial...at that period of my life,i was glad dat some1 cared abt me...

...to be cont...

5+5=10

...my dad bought me a new lappie...
...miracle...
...lol..

...nEveR beLong....

...i feel EXTREMELY pathetic...
...duno what got into me...
....feeling EXTREMELY down for something EXTREMELY small...
...what the heck??...
....feel like banging my head on the wall...
...so that i could knock some sense into me....
...what the hell is wrong with me??...

...n i still misses u..
...do u even think of me??...

超人不会飞

..been googling my dear's song's lyric...
...decided to post it here...

超人不会飞

媽媽說 很多事別太計較
只是使命感找到了我 我睡不著
如果說 罵人要有點技巧
我會加點旋律 你會覺得 超屌
我的 槍 不會裝彈藥
所以放心 不會有人倒
我拍青鋒俠不需要替身因為自信是 我繪畫的顏料

我做很多事背後的意義並非你們想像
拍 個電視劇為了友情與兄弟間的夢想
收視率再高也難抗衡我的偉大理想
因 為我的人生無須再多一筆那獎項
我不知道何時變成了社會的那榜樣
被狗仔拍對他比中指要道歉我要怎樣

我唱的歌詞要有點文化
因 為隨時會被當教材
CNN能不能等英文好一點再訪
時 代雜誌封面能不能重拍
隨時隨地註意形象
要控制飲食不然就跟杜莎夫人蠟 像的我不像
好萊鎢的中國戲院地上有很多手印腳印
何 時才能看見我的獎

如果超人會飛那就讓我在空中停一停歇
再次俯 瞰這個世界 會讓我覺得好一些
拯救地球好累雖然有些疲憊但我還是會
不要問我哭過了沒因為超人不能流眼淚

唱歌要拿最佳男歌 手拍電影也不能只拿個最佳新人
你不參加頒獎典禮就是沒禮貌你去參加就是代表你很在乎
得獎時你感動落淚人家就會覺得你誇張做作
你沒 表情別人就會說太囂張如果你天生這表情
那些人甚至會怪你媽媽
結果最後是別人在得獎你也要給予充分的掌聲與微笑
開的車不 能太好 住的樓不能太高
我到底是一個創作歌手還是好人好事代表
專輯一出就必須是冠軍拍了電影就必須要大賣
只能說當 超人真的好難

如 果超人會飛那就讓我在空中停一停歇
再次俯瞰這個世界 會讓我覺得好一些
拯救地球好累雖然有些疲憊但我還是會
不要問我哭過了沒因為 超人不能流眼淚

since i cant read chinese,so here's d pinyin lyrics...

Māmā shuō hěnduō shì bié tài jìjiào
Zhǐshì shǐmìng gǎn zhǎodào le wǒ wǒ shuì bù zháo
Rúguǒ shuō màrén yào yǒudiǎn jìqiǎo
Wǒ huì jiādiǎn xuánlǜ nǐ huì juéde chāo diǎo
Wǒ de qiāng bù huì zhuāng dànyào
Suǒyǐ fàngxīn bù huì yǒurén dào
Wǒ pāi qīng fēng xiá bù xūyào tìshēn yīnwèi zìxìn shì wǒ huìhuà de yánliào

Wǒ zuò hěnduō shì bèihòu de yìyì bìngfēi nǐmen xiǎngxiàng
Pāi gè diànshìjù wèile yǒuqíng yǔ xiōngdì jiān de mèngxiǎng
Shōushì lǜ zài gāo yě nán kànghéng wǒ de wěidà lǐxiǎng
Yīnwèi wǒ de rénshēng wúxū zài duō yībǐ nà jiǎngxiàng
Wǒ bù zhīdào héshí biànchéng le shèhuì dì nà bǎngyàng
Bèi gǒuzǎi pāi duì tā bǐ zhōngzhǐ yào dàoqiàn wǒ yào zěnyàng

Wǒ chàng de gēcí yào yǒudiǎn wénhuà
Yīnwèi suíshí huì bèi dāng jiàocái
CNN néng bùnéng děng yīngwén hǎo yīdiǎn zàifǎng
Shídài zázhì fēngmiàn néng bùnéng chóng pāi
Suíshí suídì zhùyì xíngxiàng
Yào kòngzhì yǐnshí bùrán jiù gēn dù shā fūrén làxiàng de wǒ bù xiàng
Hǎo lái wù de zhōngguó xìyuàn dìshàng yǒu hěnduō shǒuyìn jiǎoyìn
Héshí cáinéng kànjiàn wǒ de jiǎng

Rúguǒ chāorén huì fēi nà jiù ràng wǒ zài kōngzhōng tíng yī tíngxiē
Zàicì fǔkàn zhège shìjiè huì ràng wǒ juéde hǎo yīxiē
Zhěngjiù dìqiú hǎo lèi suīrán yǒuxiē píbèi dàn wǒ háishì huì
Bùyào wèn wǒ kū guò le méi yīnwèi chāorén bùnéng liú yǎnlèi

Chànggē yào ná zuì jiānán gēshǒu pāi diànyǐng yě bùnéng zhǐ ná gè zuì jiā xīnrén
Nǐ bù cānjiā bānjiǎng diǎnlǐ jiùshì méi lǐmào nǐ qù cānjiā jiùshì dàibiǎo nǐ hěn zàihū
Dé jiǎng shí nǐ gǎndòng luò lèi rénjiā jiù huì juéde nǐ kuāzhāng zuòzuo
Nǐ méi biǎoqíng biérén jiù huì shuō tài xiāozhāng rúguǒ nǐ tiānshēng zhè biǎoqíng
Nàxiē rén shènzhì huì guài nǐ māmā
Jiéguǒ zuìhòu shì biérén zài dé jiǎng nǐ yě yào jǐyǔ chōngfèn de zhǎngshēng yǔ wéixiào
Kāi de jū bùnéng tài hǎo zhù de lóu bùnéng tài gāo
Wǒ dàodǐ shì yīgè chuàngzuò gēshǒu háishì hǎorén hǎoshì dàibiǎo
Zhuānjí yī chū jiù bìxū shì guànjūn pāi le diànyǐng jiù bìxū yào dà mài
Zhǐ néng shuō dāng chāorén zhēn de hǎo nán

Rúguǒ chāorén huì fēi nà jiù ràng wǒ zài kōngzhōng tíng yī tíngxiē
Zàicì fǔkàn zhège shìjiè huì ràng wǒ juéde hǎo yīxiē
Zhěngjiù dìqiú hǎo lèi suīrán yǒuxiē píbèi dàn wǒ háishì huì
Bùyào wèn wǒ kū guò le méi yīnwèi chāorén bùnéng liú yǎnlèi

n i HEART d meaning...
*ermm..i mean briefly like dat kua...correct me if im wrong...*

Mother said there's many things that should not be haggled about
I just found a sense of fate, that I couldn't fall asleep
If the scolding needs some technique
Then I would add some melody to it, and you would think that it's so "Diao"(aka cool...lolx..)
My gun would not be loaded
So rest assured that no one will be downed
I don't need a substitute when i shot 青鋒俠I(aka The Green Hornet) , because confidence is my color

A lot of things that i do did had a different meaning than what you'd thought
Filming a TV series is about friendship and d dreams we had
No matter how high the ratings, it'll be hard to keep up with the great idea of mine
Because i dont need another one of those awards in my life
I didn't know when did I become a role model in the society
when i shot d paparazzi with my middle finger,i had to apologize

The lyrics i sang must be decent
Because at any time, it might become teaching material
Can CNN be programmed when English level become better
Time Magazine cover can it be retake
Take care of your image anywhere and anytime
Had to control of my diet, or else, it wont look like my statue in Madame Tussauds
There's a lot of hand-prints and footprints at d Holliwood Chinese Theater
when is it the time to see mine

If Superman can fly, let me stop for a rest in the air
overlooking the world again, it would make me feel better
Saving the Earth is so tiring,
eventho it is a lil tiring,yet I'll still do it
Don't ask me had I cried, because Superman can't have tears

Singing, must get the best male artist
Act in a movie, cant just win the Best New Actor
If you don't attend award ceremonies,then it's rude..if you attend it,it means you cared alot,
Award winners that r touched that they cried,then people would think that you are only exaggerating
If you're expressionless,then people would say that you r arrogant
n if you are naturally expressionless,then they might even blame your mother
N if finally,if it's other people tat got d award, you must still clapped n smile
the car tat u drive cant be too good
the house tat u stay cant be too high up
am I actually a singer,or am I d good person or even an representative?
if I were to release an album,then, it must be a hit album
if i were to act in a mvie,then,it must b a selling one
I can only say that to become a Superman is really difficult

If Superman can fly, let me stop for a rest in the air
overlooking the world again, it would make me feel better
Saving the Earth is so tiring,
eventho it is a lil tiring,yet I'll still do it
Don't ask me had I cried, because Superman can't have tears

...I'm NOT 超人...

...at last my hubby released his single...
...am so excited cz it means it's abt time dat he's releasing an album..

~YAY~

...it's been a long long tyme since he released an album...
...n i miss him dearly...
*screw u guys dat dun lk my hubby coz i LOVE him*

...nways,i love his new single...
....well,i love d lyrics...
...i duno y...
...but i somehow felt sad n dpress wen i listen to d song....
... tho d music itself is not those of melancholic style...n is actly kinda soothing type...
...but somehow it makes me think alot today...

...you knw?...

...there's a lot of time, i felt so tired of stuff around me bcoz even if i've tried so hard to portray my role( as a filial daughter...as a good sister...as a trustable fren...as a good student) the best that i could,ppl around me jz seem to jz take it for granted...izit bcoz im not good enuf??i din do enuf??or simply cz im simply hate-a-ble??...

....or maybe i've tried too hard that it irritates ppl??...

...im so afraid of losing ppl around me dat i could simply forgive them for doing anything to me actually...yet i could not portray that cz i dun wana appear vulnerable...i'm too easily bruised n hurt by those words that other ppl said or do...but yet---> my fav word was..."I DONT CARE N I DONT GIVE A DAMN"...

...how ironic is dat??..

...sometimes,i felt like crying so much dat it hurts to even breath...
but i would NEVER do that now...bcoz one of my frens actly thinks im pathetic n he tol me dat everytng dat happen to me is actly "padan muka"...
...i was so hurt at dat time dat i promised myself dat no matter wat happen in d future,i would not evn drop a single tear around him...all the words he said is lk a stab to my heart at dat time...

...i've always been d sister dat takes care of my younger siblings...
...hmm..ok...or mayb more than dat...
...i've never tol any1 tis but im really tired of always had to be there for them...
...sometimes,me too, wanna be the one dat is taken care of...d 1 dat every1 would worry about...
...but yet...
...i could not uttered those words...
...perhaps it's my ego...

...my dad oways had dat expectation on me dat i felt so hard to evn breathe around him..
...i was supposed to take care of my younger sis,my younger bros,their studies..n sometimes,even my mum...
...yet i nid to be really good in my studies...
...im spposed to b d independent 1...
..but can any1 tell him dat i felt so tired of tis life at times dat i felt dat death is an easier ans...
...yet i dun do dat...
...cz i dun wanna be a loser...
...even if i felt so tired,i could not show them in front of my family...
...sometimes my sis said i dont have any facial expression,i mean,it's not dat i dun hav expression...
..it's coz i had to think it few times b4 i could twitch any facial muscle...

...im so tired..

...sMart is d neW SEXY...

...the original version...

...the edited version...

...after such a long long tyme since i last drw someting,i decided to draw again...
...i guess i've lost it...
...hmmm...n0t dat i'm any gud b4 tis...
...juz dat ...u know??....